Trapped in a Stairwell
by BlackTippedRose
Summary: The title explains it all. They are trapped in a stairwell. Remember, I like reviews! They go great with Thin Mints! COMPLETED, WHAT NOW.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** There's probably one of these out there, but I'm making one anyway. Basically this is a story about the cast stuck in a…stairwell. Simple enough.

Oh, I'm also from now on going to put a phrase from a movie or show or book in the beginning of my story, and you get a cookie if you review and tell me where it's from. :D

So here's the story!

_Woman One: May I ask what we are doing?_

_Woman Two: We are visualizing car accidents._

_Woman One: Do we have to visualize car accidents in the rain?_

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

Joseph Buquet wanted revenge. Or rather, his spirit did. He believed he had been illogically murdered. I mean, what did he ever do wrong? So he decided to do the one thing that would torture every single one of the people who hated him.

He would get them all locked in a stairwell.

Ole Joey didn't exactly know where the stairwell came from. He was just wandering around one day, chatting with a nice nearly-headless other ghost when he found it. It turned out to be a random door somewhere in one of the hallways that led to a stairwell with ten floors.

He also didn't ask how a two/three story building could have a stairwell with ten floors, but then again, he was a ghost floating around. Nothing was impossible.

So Joseph devised a plan to trap the evil people who tormented him: Erik, Raoul, Andre, Firmin, Christine, Meg, and Carlotta. No one really knows why Christine and Meg are on his list. Maybe it was because he was never allowed to jump them. But that's another story entirely.

So, how was he going to trick seven people into a very scary-looking door? Easy. He baits them.

The first was the easiest: Christine. All he had to do with get a rather shiny quarter and tie string around it (he could still touch physical items), then dangle it above the girl while she was in her room.

"Oooh, has my Angel decided to grace me with delectable money?" she cooed as it floated out of the room. Christine attempted to follow it (she ran into the door when the quarter floated through it) and actually managed to make it to the stairwell. Joseph was about to trick her into the stairwell when he realized that she could be used as bait for the next target.

So, tying a string around Christine's middle, he baited Erik by dangling her above his head. His reaction was almost the same thing.

"My Angel!" he cried shriekishly, reaching up to take his hand, but Joseph pulled her up another inch or two. Christine, at the moment, was simply zoned out.

In half an hours time, Joey had two of his seven victims. But how to get the other five?

Eventually he snitched Erik's mask ("NOOO, MY HORRID FACE, WHAT EVIL HAS TAKEN MY ONLY SANTCUARY FROM MY CURSED FACE!???!!), a piece of paper, and a pencil. Then he scribbled a note, stuck it on the mask, and dropped it on Madame Giry's desk. The note read:

_Annoying She-Witch,_

_I have taken the Opera Ghost, and this mask is proof. If you want him back in one piece, then go to the ominously disturbing door in the abandoned hallway with all the cobwebs._

Of course, Madame Giry went to go save her ill-grateful friend, but then she ended up locked in the stairwell with Erik ("GIVE ME BACK MY MASK!!") and the amazingly spacey Christine.

Three out of seven. The next was Meg, which was fairly easy. Joseph simply took his old note and changed it around a bit, took Mme. Giry's cane, and stuck that in front of Meg. When Meg found the new note (which had the word "daughter" scribbled after the word witch, and "the Opera Ghost" was scratched out with "your mom" above it, mask was scratched out with "cane" above it, and "him" was scratched out with "her" above it) let out a scream of terror, then ran off and got herself locked in a stairwell with her pacing mother, a phantom currently sitting in a corner in fetal position, and the dazed Christine.

The last three were the hardest. Mr. Buquet currently had nothing on Andre, Firmin, or Carlotta.

Eventually, a thought of pure genius hit him when he was eaves-dropping on the two idiots. But in order to get what he needed, he needed to travel through magical Broadway Land.

But, sadly, while passing through the alternative dimensions of happy musicals, Joseph took a wrong turn. Next thing he knew, he was standing near a Ferris wheel, watching a girl with ridiculously curly blonde hair wearing an outfit that was _not _PG, as it was described, dancing with a man who would grow up and utter the brilliant phrase:

Say hello to my little friends.

But eventually Mr. B. left Sandy and Danny and found his way to the musical he was looking for. He snatched up what he needed, brushed the cocaine residue off it, and then returned to his world. Then he left it on Fandre's desk for them to read. This is what it said:

**HELLO ALL GAY PEOPLE!**

**Do you want to find others just like you without having to go to a gay bar?**

**Then come out of the closet and go to the gay convention! There will be cocaine!**

**(Gay convention located behind the door in the creepy hallway)**

And scribbled at the very bottom were the words: Property of the show RENT.

Needles to say, both Andre and Firmin got themselves locked inside the stairwell with the twitching phantom whose head keeps jerking to the side, the Mme. Giry that has paced a thin ditch into the platform, the Meg who is simply watching all of this, and the Christine…who still has not responded in any way.

But how to get Carlotta? How? HOW?

Then, the answer hit him like a giant hippopotamus running him down (_WHAM!_). It was the simplest, easiest method yet.

The ghost of J.B. floated into her dressing room while she was in it, picked up her poodle while she was watching, and left.

Carlotta, of course, chased after him screaming things in her language that no one understands (a mixture of Spanish and French. We'll call it Spanech), and ran down the hallway, and tossed the poodle into the dreaded door, which, I would like to add, was blue.

Well, the second she threw open the door again to retrieve her poodle, Meg reacted.

"Thank God you're here!" she cried, which distracted Carlotta long enough so that the door could close and successfully lock all of them in.

And so the torture began.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

**A/N: **I don't own Harry Potter, Grease, RENT, or that funny new TV show. I've never even seen RENT, and I had to pester a friend to even know it's about gay people and drugs.

So, do you like it? Hate it? Happy I finally wrote another story? Flames will be used to roast marshmallows on.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: **A little birdie told me I didn't own Phantom. So, logically, I just stared at it. I mean, it freaking TALKED.

Hi guys. Apparently I owe cookies to: Phlaming Marshmallows, Supergirrl, and USDA-Certified Organic. They knew the quote was from "Stranger Than Fiction."

Also, I'd like to thank my reviewers:

**Phlaming Marshmallows**

**The Magic Pickle Fairy**

**Gerikslover**

**Googleeyes**

**Moriko Csove Doyle**

**Supergirrl**

**USDA-Certified Organic**

**Erik's Lonely Angel**

**Lluna**

**Evanesce**

Now, I stole this quote from a buddy, but here it is.

_Boy One: He was a total jerk, take him for all he's got._

_Girl One: You are evil…I like that!_

**0o0o0o0o0o0**

Carlotta was reacting quite calmly to being trapped in a stairwell with people she couldn't stand.

"IMMA DOOOOOMED!!!!111!! IMMA GONNA DIIIEEEEEA!11!!!!"

While she continued to act like a n00b, Firmin thought sanely.

"Why the FREAK is Raoul not in here with us?!"

The moment those totally-teenage-girl words left his gay lips, magic smoke rose up from the bottom floor of the stairwell and floated up to their floor. The magical smoke paused, and a godly voice boomed out of it.

"Deal, or no deal?"

They all just stared at it with a dumb expression on their faces as a bald smiling man floated out. Howie brushed the dust off his jacket with a twitch in his eye, and then smiled at the people gaping at him.

"Sorry, old habits die hard."

Mme. Giry, who sometimes snuck away to find a television that showed programs in the future, knew this happy hairless man. She looked at him with a confused expression.

"What happened to your show?"

His smile faded for a moment, and he bowed his head in grief. "People finally found out who our Banker was, and they mauled him. We told him it was a very dangerous job, because he took away money from so many people. Poor, poor Ashton."

Then his shiny head jerked back up, and he was smiling again. "So I'm now airing a new show called Save, or No Save. It is about how a group of people who don't get along very well are trapped in a small area for a long period of time, and only one person can save them by finding where they are trapped. I'll be using the audience, and giving clues to the Saver in order to help you."

Andre, so happy to realize he might just get out of this horrible place, suddenly threw his arms around Howie. Howie's eyes went very wide, and suddenly he exploded in a pile of germ phobic little pieces of pink and blue confetti.

Erik glared shiny pointy daggers at Andre. "You just blew up our only chance of getting out of here." Then he pushed him down the stairwell. Andre screamed loudly and fell down, and Erik felt very satisfied. But then he turned back and saw Andre still standing next to the pile of pink and blue party favors. The Opera Ghost was confused.

"Hello?" he yelled, waving his hand in front of Christine's face. "Can anybody hear me?? HELLO??"

Suddenly, Howie reappeared, but he was really far in front of everyone else and sort of off to the side. He had a grave expression on his face.

"There is a place between life and dea-"

But then Erik grasped him by the shoulders and shook him violently. "Can you just go back and explain this stupid new show?"

But instead of explaining about the show, Howie exploded again. He really just is that freaked.

After a long wait of almost _five minutes, _Erik became visible to people. In this five minutes, because he realized what he did had no consequence, he pushed everyone except Christine off the stairwell multiple times (Mme. Giry just bugged him, and Meg was prettier than Xtine so Erik got jealous. The others were pushed for obvious reasons.), and hugged Christine. But then he became visible again, and he was basically snuggling up to the ditzy brunette, and that had some interesting effects.

Suddenly, a large television appeared in the stairwell, and it showed everyone's favorite baldy.

Howie had appeared again next to…Raoul. The fop was currently wandering the Opera House, wondering where everyone went. Because seriously. It was like, just him, and a bunch of drunk stage-hands.

"Raoul," Howie said, smiling slightly because he is just that happy, "you are on a new show called Save, or No Save. It is up to your brains, and the audience participation for you to save your friends."

Everyone in the stairwell looked like they had just been shot. First of all, they were depending on _Raoul's brain _to save them, and _audience participation _to help him. Everyone in the stairwell knew what "audience participation" meant. Everyone knew that two plus two equaled fish.

Carlotta acted naturally, by screaming the thing that was on every single person's mind.

"WE'REA DOOOOOMED!!!!111!! WE'REA GONNA DIIIEEEEEA!11!!!!"

**0o0o0o0o0o0**

**A/N: **

Funeral Services for Ashton Kutcher will be held next Saturday.

I also don't own Howie, Deal or No Deal, The Invisible, or the loyalty of my rabbit army. What I do own is Save, or No Save, and your brains.

Ignore typos, and the next chapter will be longer.

Reviews go good with Oreos too.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: **Well, there's this place off Ocean Avenue where I used to sit and talk with you…oh wait, wrong story.

Ahem. I do not own this story. But I do own.

This chapter is special. You see, I am in a bet with Gerikslover. We're both going to write a chapter of our stories, and submit them at the same time. The one who gets the most reviews wins. Her story is** Unmasked Love**. Now, the catch is, if I win, she has to write a parody. If I lose, I have to write a romance story.

So if you hate me/want to see my horrible excuse for romance, go review her story. : D

Last chapter's quote was from "Maximum Ride: The Angel Experiment." No one guessed it. How sad.

Oh, um, slight…James Bond spoilers. Also, in case you don't know, I refere to Andre and Firmin as Fandre.

I'd like to thank:

**Gerikslover**

**Supergirrl**

**Evanesce**

**FemmeLoki**

**Phlaming Marshmallows**

**Erik's Lonely Angel**

**Superphan**

**Moriko Csove Doyle**

**Googleeyes**

**USDA-Certified Organic**

**Blueflamewolf**

**Nae'ka**

**Phantom's Child**

**Skye.**

Many mixed feelings on the unfortunate slaughter of Ashton Kutcher…personally, I like him.

_Man 1 (thinking): Oh no, it's the ex-wife._

_Man 2: Cover your eyes newbie; she might just suck out your soul._

**0o0o0o0o0o0**

We tune in to this exciting episode of Save, or No Save, as our little fop continues to wander the hallways, having no Earthly clue where he is, where he is going, or why a smiling bald man won't leave him alone.

"Well, Raoul," Howie said, checking his papers. "We asked the studio audience, and I'm sorry to say that most of them would like to see you skwered and thrown into a bottomless pit."

The "studio audience", in case you didn't pick it up, is the phangirls and everyone else reading this little story.

When Raoul's jaw fell open, Howie remembered something else. "But there was _one girl_ that thought differently than the others…" he paused to whistle, "and here she is."

A happy little girl wearing a white shirt with a red maple leaf on it skipped into the room. Once she saw Raoul, she let out a shrill squeal of joy.

Oh yes. It was That One Random Candian Raoul Fan-Girl.

"Oh, is it really you, Raoul? Will you marry me, ay? We can have beautiful snowy wedding, and then the breakfast afterwards can be pancakes with our famous maple syrup, and bacon!" TORCRFG shrieked, hopping up and down and clapping.

Raoul, in all his foppy goodness, was completely flattered. Howie, on the other hand, was completely creeped out. She couldn't be older than sixteen, and Raoul was…much older.

Howie looked directly at the camera, and made a sweeping motion across his throat. The screen blacked out, and then went to everyone's favorite show (the magic colored line show), and then cut back to our little victims in the stairwell.

Well, as it seemed, everyone took their own floor. Erik took the basement floor (fort obvious reasons), and then the others took the floors above in order of importance (most important – Erik – on the bottom, and least important – Firmin – at the top). Although none of them had possesions with them upon entering, our Phantom seemed to stashed some things under his cloak.

Erik had candles. Looooots of candles. And they were all so heavily drugged, that the floor above him was evacuated, and everyone moved up one floor.

Now, this next fact has no explination, but somehow, there is a television and stero system. We are suspecting Fandre, but there has been no proof.

Anyway, there were two people finishing up the latest James Bond movie, Casino Royale. A girl and a boy were supposed to watch this movie, but we couldn't find a girl that wanted to (Meg thought there was too much violence, Mme. Giry thought there wasn't enough violence, Carlotta claimed that their speech was much too hard to understand, and Christine…well, she hasn't really "checked in", if you get my drift), so it was Andre and Firmin watching the movie.

The girl is being played by Andre, for future reference.

As it ended, Andre's jaw hung open, and displeasure was written across his face. Firmin looked over-joyed.

"That was a great movie!"

"That was a horrible movie!" Andre responded. Firmin seemed confused.

"Why do you think it was so bad? I loved it."

"The girl died! I was expecting a chickflick, and then the chick died." Andre crossed his arms.

"Well, it was sorta like a chickflick…until the chick died." Firmin just proved Andre's point, so he quickly added, "the Bond Girl always dies!"

"You could have _told _me that before the movie started!"

"But then you wouldn't have watched it with me!" Firmin whined.

Two floors below, Carlotta lay with the stereo blasting a Justin Timberlake song. She was growing aggitated with the feminine bickering coming from the two men. She was just above to throw the wrench she keeps hidden in her wig when the stereo changed songs. There was a moment of silence before the lyrics shattered it.

"_Hey, hey, you, you, I don't like your girlfriend!_"

Squeals errupted all around, as all the women (and Fandre) currently trapped in the stairwell heard _the song_ of the week. The only women that didn't immediately start singing along was Christine…who still hadn't responded.

They all started jumping up and down, singing along like a bunch of drunks at a kareoko convention. Andre and Firmin took the job of background singers.

"Hey, hey, you, you," they started, while the girls finished, "I know thatchya like me!"

This went on until poor Erik, at the bottom of the stairwell, (_I can be your girlfriend!)_ thought he would lose his mind to the happy, peppy, pop song. He picked up a candle (_She's like, so whatever)_, and began walking up the (_In a second you'll be wrapped around my finger)_ stairs.

When he reached the top, they were at the last verse, with Fandre being the backup singers again. He weilded the flaming object dangerously. It seemed that Andre might actually _be _drunk, because now he were hopping up and down and pointing directly at Erik.

"I want to be your girlfriend!" he yelled, which instantly killed the happy singing mood, and everyone went quiet. Erik considered his options, and then simply stuck the candle to his own heavily-greased/oiled toupee and allowed it to catch fire. Now with his head on fire, he simply walked back down the stairs to the bottom before the loud screams of pain began.

Mme. Giry shot an evil look to Andre. "You're a party killer," she grumbled, and the rest of them went back to their own floors.

The camera man, named Fred, was so grossed out that he cut back to Raoul and Howie. Both of which had been tied to a large pole, and were hanging percaciously over the balcony of Box Five.

Why? You'll have to tune in next time!

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

**A/N: **I agree with Andre; Casino Royale would have been a lot better if Vesper hadn't have died….oh, I also don't own The Best Damn Thing, but I have the CD!

Horrible ending, I know, but I was running out of time.

Review?


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: **I do not in any way own Phantom of the Opera.

_A short story:_

The door opened loudly, with a long creak. (Insert Name Here) the phangirl/anti-phan/axe-murderer sighed and threw her things down onto her bed. Mumbling tiredly about homework/job/Kidz Bop, she glanced lazily over at the computer on her desk. Shrugging, she pulled out her chair and wiggled the mouse, bringing the machine back to life.

She pulled the internet up and her homepage was myspace/fanfic/cheese. After a minute's hesitation, she went to her email. One message. Ugh. But at least it was a Fanfic update instead of spam.

New chapter? Okay. By whom?

_BlackTippedRose?_

Huh. That's really odd. (Insert Name Here) leaned back in her chair and blinked slowly. Huh. Her friend/fanfic source/phic senses had told her that BTR had stopped writing/been chased off by wankers/died. Oh well. She had been good for a(n) smile/giggle/incident where milk flew out your nose. What story had she been writing?

Oh yes, the stairwell one. Well, might as well.

**0o0o0o0o0**

"So…how did we get here again?"

"You called The Devil's shoes tacky, Raoul."

"But they were _last _month's Gucci!"

"…Have you come out of the closet yet?"

Raoul and Howie were teetering on the edge of Box Five. Raoul looked very unhappy, because, due to the fact he was hanging upside-down, his _luscious fabity fab fab _hair was getting messed up. Howie was simply twitching, due to his germaphobia. He was basically Monk hairless.

Why were those two tied to a pole and having their only tie to life a small piece of shoelace that was currently being gnawed off by an angry caffeinated gerbil?

Because Hannah Montana had used her sinful influences over every young girl in this nation to make them all buy a copy of The Phantom of the Opera (2004 remake), and she blended them all together in a SOOPAH disc, which was so magicaltastical that you could actually walk into the television and you would transport through time.

_(Insert Dr. Who theme here.)_

Well, anyway, she was traveling around through time. Lalala, she sang her "I'm totally not perfect" song in her horribly fake accent because people in Tennessee really don't talk like that, and was floating happily along when she was suddenly smacked by a baby eagle named Steve, and she was turned into a yak.

So, Yakkah Montana, half demon, half furry cow-like creature, landed in the time zone she wanted. In the lair of the phantom, no less. This had been a few hours earlier, because Erik was still down here and not tricked via floating Christine to come into a stairwell.

Erik, who, as everyone knows, is scarred on his face, took one look at the yak-ish she demon, and started screaming very-bloody-and-partly-icky-bad-Stephen King-movie-adaption-Cujo-like-murder, and, while continuing screaming, stood up, rushed over, and pushed Hannah in the lake water, in which the Whirlpool God took her as a sacrifice. Erik ran up through his secret passages, still shrieking like a little girl.

As soon as he left, WG spit out the "girl" (he waited for the Phantom to leave so he would still seem all mighty), and the lake started screaming, and it picked itself up in all its filth, and evaporated.

For all who care to know, the Phantom's Lake is now the New York Harbor.

Which explains why people keep finding candles down there.

Lots and lots of candles.

So, Hannah Satanna, now soaking wet and smelling of damp yak, stormed off. She somehow managed to find her way above the surface, where she met Raoul who was with Howie (it had taken her several hours to find her way out), who ignored the fact she was sprouting black hair and had horns, but instead looked directly at her feet, and told her that last month's Gucci was incredibly tacky, and it did not match her shirt.

Which was currently yak hair.

So Hannah enlisted the help of Bond 4, one of the seven Bond STDs which had mutated and become an entirely new substance. The only reason Bond 4 was special was because he had managed to escape his pod, and if he makes his way to the water system, we're all doomed.

Also, just for a fun fact, Bond had 3 STDs only known to sharks.

So Bond 4 and Hannah Yakanna attacked the twitchy bald man and the "straight" man-woman, and tied them to a pole with the aid of many dramatic sound effects. Then they hooked them up to Box Five and left them there to dangle.

So, there was Howie and Raoul, hanging peacefully. Someone would have to help them eventually, right? I mean, who WOULDN'T notice two people tied to a pole?

Apparently everyone, because they stayed there 10 minutes longer, in which the angry caffeinated gerbil chewed through the shoelace, and both of the "men" began to plummet to the ground. Both of them, instead of screaming, simply took on this facial expression:

O.O;;

And just as they were about to crash and burn, our Cameraman Joey Gladdstone got ADD and decided to switch back to the stairwell bunch.

Fandre had been put in a cage made of burning candles, due to the fact they seemed to have developed a song fetish, and had been harassing Christine. In fact, everyone had developed a song fetish and started harassing Christine, but only Fandre got put in a cage, because no one likes them. The amazing part was they had managed to have Xtine react, so that's why they hadn't been buried by burning candles. Here, just watch.

_5 minutes earlier._

"_HEY CHRISTINE!" Andre yelled gleefully, skipping towards her. No one seemed to notice the fact that one eye kept twitching. "Can I buy U a Drank?"_

"_SHAWTY WHATCHYO THINK 'BOUT THAT?" Firmin added loudly, feeling he needed to something. Christine didn't move._

_Erik, who had been unusually quiet, decided it was his turn to speak to Christine. His words were, of course, heart-felt._

"_Why does your pride make you run and hide? Are you that afraid of me?"_

_Except he was accidentally very high off his own candles, so he ended up saying these things to Madame Giry instead._

_Madame Giry didn't take this lightly, as expected._

"_I'm not here for your entertainment! You don't really wanna mess with me tonight."_

"_SHE AIN'T NO HOLLABACK GIRL!" Andre shouted helpfully._

_Meg, who was hoping to change the subject, started making small talk with Erik over where they were going after they got out of the stairwell._

"_I'm going home, to the place where I belong." He turned towards who he thought was Christine. "Where your love has always been enough for me!"_

_Except this time, due to his current "state", he actually said these words to Carlotta. Carlotta looked ready to kill. Meg cut in quickly._

_"I think I'll go to Boston."_

_Luckily, no one was paying attention, so no one noticed her mention a city that hadn't been founded yet. Carlotta turned away and began scribbling in her diary, which she also kept tucked in her hair._

Dear Diary, _she wrote. _

Mood: Apathetic.

My life is spiraling downwards. I couldn't get enough money to go to the Blood Red Romance and Suffocate Me Dry concert. That sucks, 'cause they play some of my favorite songs. Like 'Stab my Heart Because I Love You,' and 'Rip Apart my Soul,' and of course 'Stabbity Rip Stab, Stab.'

And it doesn't help that I couldn't get my hair to do that flippy thing either like that guy from that band can do.

Somedays...

_Carlotta looked down at her words, nodded once, and then tucked her little diary back into her hair. She then flipped it, but it still didn't do that thing the band member could do._

_Andre, desperate to say something else, looked towards Christine. "I could be your girlfriend," he repeated._

"_OKAY!" Christine exclaimed happily, speaking for the first time in three chapters._

_Everyone was shocked. Was it because she spoke? Was it because she wanted Andre as a girlfriend? No one really knew. But everyone was very startled._

_Mme. Giry walked over and knocked out Andre with her stick, and then Firmin for good measure._

So now Andre and Firmin were in the Cage of Fire Hazards, sitting quietly and mumbling the lyrics to 'Before He Cheats' under their breath. Both of them were twitching now.

Actually, Andre was speaking Carrie Underwoodiese, and Firmin was murmuring the theme song to 'Psych'.

Ahh. The plot thickens. What questions shall be answered next chapter? Will it be why Christine only responded to Andre? Why does Fandre always seem to become high? How long with Hannah remain yak-like? WHY ON EARTH DID THIS AUTHORESS COME BACK!?

The world may never know.

Or it might.

You never know.

(_Insert dramatic music here)_

**0o0o0o0**

**A/N: **In the words of the great P!nk, "I'M NOT DEAD!"

Sorry about the whole "stopped writing" thing. I only used to write to avoid homework, and then summer came…no homework.

But I'm back now. And with the help of Scrubs, Psych, and the Georgia Nicholson books, I should be more hilarious than ever!

Everyone that actually remembers me and reviews gets a gold star.


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer:**

SDGHSDLBHKSJDKLBNSD

FREAKING SCHOOL.

I'll make this brief, because I have 3 months of inactivity to make up for.

To put it simply: ILU readers, and Supergirrl, ILU more.

**0o0o0o0o**

It was quiet.

_Too quiet._

The pretty young blond was breathing shallowly, obviously terrified. The ground underneath her rocked back and forth, and the sound of the ocean could be heard. She was panicky and walking very slowly. Dramatic music swelled in the background.

Suddenly, a man with a chainsaw jumped out of the shadows! She let out a horrible scream aaaand….

"WHAT IS HORROR MOVIES THAT TAKE PLACE ON SHIPS!!!11!1!!shift!11"

"No Andre, you n00b, that was the title of the category. You're supposed to _name _the movie."

Andre looked sad and pitiful as Firmin sighed and looked back at the Jepordy -- At HOME edition of the game. Andre had chosen 'Horror Movies that Take Place on Ships' for 300, and he had utterly phailed. With a ph.

"WHERE DID YOU GET THAT GAME!?" Carlotta raged from a couple floors up. She had been forced to listen to them for hours on end. And that's not the worst part. _This _was the worst part:

_Two hours earlier._

"_I'll take 'Movies about Psychotic Masked Men' for 100," Andre said gleefully, and Firmin pressed the button. The screen instantly changed to a rather dark sort of underground lake. There was a very fuggly man wearing half a mask (which was really stupid, you know? If he wanted to hide his identity, half a mask wouldn't do much good) and rowing a boat with a scantily dressed woman. Obviously she was a prostitute._

_Andre stared at the screen, his face contorted in concentration. Firmin, on the other hand, was dead shocked. Seeing as he was smarter than the average bear, he knew what this movie was._

"_I don't know it," Andre said finally, but Firmin didn't have a chance to reply because the people on the screen began singing._

"_The Phaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (she can really go, can't she?) aaaaaaaantom of the operaaa is theeeerreeeee, inside my miiiind."_

"_What was that all about?!" an outraged Andre outraged. "That made no sense. That was a crappy hint. I still don't know what movie this is."_

_Firmin preceded to slam his head into the ground many times, which was quite a feat seeing as he was sitting cross-legged on the floor._

Christine, on the other hand, having been brought out of her comatose-like state last chapter, proclaimed, "OHEMGEE. I JUST REALIZED SOMETHING."

A very weary Mme. Giry glanced over at her. She had the aura of someone hung over, and Meg had long suspected that her mother kept gin and/or rum hidden in that cane of hers.

"Sweeeeathaart," she began, slurring her words fabulously, "the skahs's blueeee, the guhrass is greeeen, and you're a whore. 'Nuttin much else to knohw."

Christine, not a bit taken aback by the insults, continued. "This stairwell is like, 10 stories, right?"

Hammered Giry nodded.

"And we only checked to see if one door was locked, riiight?"

Stoned Giry nodded again, slowly catching on.

"What if others are open!"

So here we are now. A plan had been devised. Our 7 captives stood in front of 6 different doors (Fandre went together) on 6 different stairwells. They decided they were all going to try and open their doors at the same time, and whoever got out got out.

"You guys ready?" a rather cheerful Meg called from the third floor. An arrangement of grunts, "yeahs" and "I hopes" were her answer.

"On three!" she called again.

"One!"

"Two!"

"Four!"

…..

Silence.

And then….

"Snurkypoo, didju ferget 'ow to count 'gain?"

"No mummy. I was just playing with you guys."

More groans met her ears, along with complaints and the occasional death threat.

"Fine, fine. Three!"

They all opened their doors, all thrilled to see them open, and then all walked out of the stairwell.

…Just as Raoul and Howie entered on one of the extra floors.

Their story was a simple one. I'm sure you wondering how they escaped the evil clutches of America's Little Devil. Well, here is how it went:

Raoul was 24 years, 6 hours, and 33 minutes old when he and Howie (who was 42 years, 19 hours, and 6 minutes old) both crashed into the ground and died rather violently. But none of the drunken stagehands noticed. They had apparently been used to such things.

However, Raoul's mummy had spidey-turned-fop-son-in-danger senses, which were tingling, and even before Raoul went splat she had hired a black man to investigate her son's death.

And so, said black man, along with a white man and a woman wearing a low sunhat and dark sunglasses and looked like a lonely tourist looked upon the two dead men tied to a pole.

"Who do you think did this?" Lonely-Tourist-Appearing woman asked. White-Man-Who-Obviously-Was-Quite-Horny-For-Her didn't answer immediately.

"I don't know," he finally said, shrugging. "Maybe it was an accident?"

"I don't care if it was an accident or not. I get paid either way," Greedy-Black-Man said, rubbing his hands together. He began to dream about the money he would receive. Maybe he'd finally make that money pool he'd been dreaming about…

"Counting a minute," WMWOWQHFH (whoa) announced, lifting up the arm that held the watch. He clicked some random button that actually did nothing, and then touched both Raoul and Howie's foreheads. They both instantly jerked back to life.

The only problem with this situation was that, while Raoul didn't know what was going on, Howie did. He knew what was happening (he was a big fan of Pushing Daises, as it turned out), and the second he looked up at Ned, he knew he was in trouble.

"RUN, YOU FOOL, FLEE LIKE A LITTLE GIRL!" Howie instantly yelled, jumping to his feet. What he didn't realize was that he was still tied to the poll, and that Raoul was connected to him. Worried that the long-haired moron wouldn't know to run, he did it for the both of them.

The drunken stagehands paid them no heed.

Ned realized that there was no way possible he would be able to catch up with the bald germaphobic, and he began to fear for Emerson and Chuck (seeing as he wasn't sure if she could die, too). Ned flailed his arms about, and began to stutter about "random proximity".

Both of them understood what this meant, and they were out of there faster than if there had been a sale at Macy's.

Or if they were running for their lives. Which, OOPS, they were.

All Ned's flailing attracted the attention of Hannah Yakkan, and she tromped over with Bond 4.

"What's goin' on, eh?" Bond 4 said, chopping a cigar and looked like one of those mob gangsters from the old movies. Ned looked down, seeing as Bond 4 was about 8 inches tall. His macho-man act also didn't work, because his voice made him sound like a hamster on helium.

Ned resisted the urge to squash him.

But he didn't have to, because the random proximity thing kicked in, and both of them instantly keeled over.

The drunken stagehands took another swig of their margaritas.

Ned sort of just walked away after that.

So Howie, currently tied to someone who was possibly a woman, decided this little game wasn't worth it. He liked giving away money better. So he ran down the creepy hallway covered with spiders, opened the door to the stairwell, walked in, slammed it shut, and then threw Raoul off.

"Game over!" he yelled. "You can all come out now!"

Except the stairwell was empty. There was still a Cage of Fire Hazards, a stereo, a television, and many other odd things, but no people. Confused, he turned around and opened the door again. Both he and Raoul walked though…

..and both of them realized this _wasn't _where they had come from.

**0o0o0o0o**

**A/N: **Sorry about the cliffie. I need material to use for the next chapter.

Don't worry readers. By the time you read this note, I will already be working on the next chapter.

Until next time!

-Rose.


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: **SCHOOL NEEDS TO DIE.

This chappie is dedicated to LostBluePhantom. I hope something in here makes your week. D

**0o0o0o0o0o**

So, we left off with everyone going through a different door in the enchanted stairwell. And they obviously all these different doorways led to different places.

"But wait. I know you felt that. The air suddenly chilled, and the drink you were drinking just went icy. You see your breath. You feel the impending doom.

_This is one of the last chapters._

_**Possibly the last."**_

The Authoress looked up from her storybook and into the sour faces of the stunned readers.

"Uhm, do we care? It's just a little story written by a little kid."

The Authoress frowns, and one of the girls on the story-time rug whispers to her friend, "Oh my god, I think she got shorter."

The Authoress now clocked in at 3 feet, 7 inches.

Which was a little shorter than last time.

"Get on with the story!" someone yelled. They threw a sad punkin at her, which tried to eat her face. She continued the story.

So, uhm, we'll start with Fandre, because I think they got the best door.

----

"…Are we in Heaven?"

"Probably."

Their conversation was interrupted by the screaming of young women, and a man with a very altered voice singing an old 1-hit wonder of his…

"_I don't mind spending everyday_

_Out on your corner in the pouring rain_

_Look for the girl with the broken smile_

_Ask her if she wants to stay awhile_

_And she will be loved_

_And she will be loved._"

(I bet you just got really excited).

Fandre began screaming along with the girls. Firmin looked over at his man-mate.

"WE'RE AT A MAROON 5 CONCERT!!!" He began to hop up and down giddily. One of the girls standing next to him looked over at him like he was crazy.

If she only knew.

"We're not at a Maroon 5 concert," she scoffed, putting one hand on her hip. She was wearing a tight tube top and a little denim skirt (obviously hoping to get lucky, probably with poor Adam himself). Fandre became confused. Had they accidentally done crystal meth again and taken a one-way ride to Happyville? No, no, that couldn't be it. They last time they both got high they accidentally crashed a chandelier into the ground and had to blame on a psycho half-masked man.

Before Slutty McSluttypants could answer, the song finished. Adam Levine grabbed the microphone and addressed the crowd.

"Alright everyone. I'd like to thank you all for coming out here, and we have a special request from a girl in the audience named Blue. Somehow she realized we had a special guest. We were gonna bring him later, but we're just gonna do it now." He placed his hand over the microphone and called someone over. Who he called was a black man wearing a hoodie. For some reason, everyone in the audience began shrieking in glee, and they spread out, as if getting dancing room. Fandre was confused! The man took the microphone, and his background singers began.

"_Yoooooou!"_

More confusion from Fandre as slightly Jamaican/islandy music began to play. The main singer spoke for the very first time.

"_I got this new dance for ya'll, called the soulja boy."_

_("Yooooooou!")_

"_You gotta punch then crank back three times from left to right."_

_("Ooooooooh.")_

It was like a flash of genius. As if it had been drilled into their brain the entire time (which we don't doubt it was), Fandre began dancing the soujla boy! Never in a million years had anyone seen anything like it. They knew how to crank like the finest of soulja boyz. With a 'z'. It needs a 'z'.

As they jumped and crossed their feet and cranked and snapped and supermanned that (OH), people began noticing the fabulous couple, and began watching.

When it ended, everyone burst into cheers. But not for Soulja Boy! Oh no, they were cheering for Fandre. Sluttykins tried to hit on Andre, but he just clung to Firmin the entire time. Even Adam was clapping when he came back to the mic.

"That was great, you two! We're gonna finish up now with 'Figure it Out', and then let Justin take the stage."

Justin?

Justin _Timberlake?_

Oh yes. _Justin Timberlake. _Every gay man's dream.

As Fandre practically went into cardiac arrest due to happiness, Miss Slut vanished. In her place, Will Ferrell appeared.

"Will Ferrell!" Firmin gasped. Andre was still seizing on the floor from Justin-happiness. "What are you going here!?"

"I'm listening to the song," he said vaguely, listening to the Maroon 5 song. His face became contorted in sheer concentration. Firmin leaned forward, dead positive he was about to hear something of biblical importance.

Finally, Will spoke…

"Needs more cowbell."

Firmin swooned from the brilliance. Andre continued to seize.

They're getting rather boring, aren't they? I'm gonna skip ahead to where Erik ended up.

-----

Erik was currently in an unhappy place. Erik was currently tied to a tree and being verbally abused by two men. One was like a freaking mountain (6 feet at least) and the other obviously one of those hermits that lived in a basement because this dude was so pale it hurt.

"Which side are you on!?" Mountain-Man demanded, prodding at Erik with a stick. A very long stick. Hermit crossed his arms and glared. Erik noticed his eyes were a very bright gold and had dark shadows under them.

"Uh," Erik began, "how long has it been since you got more than three hours of sleep?" His question was directed at Hermit. Hermit scowled and snarled at him. Erik noticed Hermit had fangs.

"Oh holy sh-" he was cut off when a young female with brown hair and big eyes pitifully walked over. IT WAS LIKE LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT. She reminded him so much of Christine.

Apparently Hermit and Mountain-Man didn't like his dreamy, lovey-dovey face. Mountain-Man started beating Erik with the stick, and Hermit protected Ditzy like she was precious precious gold.

"I'm sorry!" Erik apologized. "I guess I just have an obsession with ditzy, spineless woman who have the tendency to betray the ones who sexually love them!"

"MY BELLA," Hermit yelled possessively. "MINE. MINE."

This apparently didn't make Mountain-Man very happy. He twitched and snarled and suddenly TURNED INTO A WOLF ZOMG. He and Hermit began fighting. Ditzy began to cry and looked for a rock to cut herself with, because she believed that would stop the fighting. Erik took this opportunity to break the bonds tying him (which he could totally do at any time, but he was waiting for a good opportunity). He gave his cape a dramatic swoosh and pranced over, tossed Ditzy over his shoulder, and proceeded to run away with her. It took a couple minutes for the two guys to realize that he'd runaway with the girl. They both turned to each other.

"Team up to take down the freak?" Hermit offered. Mountain-Man considered his options.

"Fine. But then I eat youz."

They did this fabulous handshake (from Hermit's point of view: up pump, down pump, slap hand open palms sideways, drag hand across the others, and then highfive) and went after Erik so fast the camera barely had time to cut to the magic screen.

"We're sorry!" the voiceover began. "This scene was much too violet. Naughty naughty Stephanie Mayer! We're going to distract you with a Shoney's commercial." The magic line color screen vanished, and what looked like an old western movie popped up.

"_Get a steak get a steak get a jui-cy steak, get a steak get a steak get a Shoney's steak get a steak get a steak GIVE YOUR WALLET A BREAK, geeeeeet a Shoney's steak."_

"THE HORROR!" young children and/or readers all around the globe screamed, swooning in their seats. "NOW THE JINGLE WILL BE STUCK IN MY HEAD FOR YEARS TO COME."

"It could be worse!" Random Friend Of The Person Screaming piped in, popping up from their hiding place. They pulled out a cellphone. "You could have this song stuck in your head!" They pressed a button, and a song by Baby Bash began playing.

"_She's moves her body like a cyclone_

_And she makes me wanna do it all night long_

_Going hard when they turn the spotlights on_

_Because she moves her body like a cyclone_

_Just like a cyclone."_

The worst part was…it wasn't even the real version.

IT WAS THE CHIPMUNK VERSION.

(insert subliminal message to go to 'you tube dot come slash watch?vxQYnpp9-H6M' here)

The young children and/or readers began screaming again, a horrific mixture of the steak song and the chipmunk version of a rap song forming in your brain.

The voiceover also decided to tell you that you could go back to viewing Erik now, seeing as most of the fighting was over and all that was left was Mountain-Man (who had tackled down Erik and pinned his facedown ((in the dirt, but he said that didn't hurt!))) slamming his face into the ground continually, but you weren't paying attention. You were trying to get the songs out of your head.

Uh….lets go to Christine now, kthx.

-----

Christine was even more confused than Erik. Upon leaving the door, she instantly shrunk down to about a foot tall. She also noticed that she stood on four legs now. And a tail. And incredibly large ears. And this split-piece mane around her neck.

_WTF mate? _She thought to herself. Looking down, she noticed her feet were covered in light brown fur, and she also saw her curly spirals. Okay. So she was like, a dog…with hair. She took a step forward, and heard her dress crinkle. Okay. Dog with hair and a dress.

Suddenly, a boy appeared from behind the trees! He had a blue jacket and a red and white hat with an arrow on it! There was also a mutated yellow mouse on his shoulder! He spotted Christine and pointed.

"LOLOLZ NO WYZ IT'S A XTNMN!!1!!!!SHIFT!1! THE XTR SLTTY VRSN OF EV!1! PKCH I CHZ U!12!"

You stare at the screen for a bit, and then pull out your n00b translator and type in what he said. It translated: _indefinable _no way it's a Christinemon! The extra-slutty version of Eevee! Pikachu, I choose you!

"Stine?" Christine asked, and gasped daintily when she realized she couldn't speak to Ash. But she could talk to Pikachu!

"Little yellow thing! Help me! I don't belong here."

Pikachu didn't respond immediately. It just sort of rocked back and forth, waiting for a command. It also started talking to itself.

"Killthehuman. Killthehuman. Killthehuman." It jerked it's head to the side. "Kill.Kill." Then it turned it's head sharply to the right. "No! I won't kill him! He feeds me!"

It didn't take too long for Christine to figure out that the beloved character was schizophrenic. Or bipolar. Xtine couldn't tell.

"PKCH!1! ATTK IT!1"

(Pikachu! Attack it!)

Pikachu began charging up, prepared to fry the slut to a little French fry.

"NU PKCH. ITS HMN-LYK, GT IT LYK A HMN!11!1!!"

(No Pikachu! It's human-like, so you have to get it like it's a human!)

Pikachu looked back at Ash, and then took out it's sub-atomic riffle innocently. "Chu?"

"NU PKCH U LSR. THE OTHR THNG!11!!!!"

(No Pikachu you loser. The other thing!)

And then Pikachu snapped. It decided it wasn't going to take this crap anymore, and it was going to go elope with that other Pikachu. You know, the one with the frumpy hair? Shocky, or whatever his name was. Because, big shocker, Pikachu was a girl. Oh yes. The truth is revealed. It's okay to be in shock.

Pikachu turned around and shot Ash with the sub-atomic riffle.

"AHHHHHHHHHH1111!1!!!" Ash cried as he died a rather non-violent, bloodless death. Nope. Totally PG. Pikachu was laughing and giggling and being completely giddy.

Christine just sort of…walked away. Reallyreally fast.

Carlotta time?

-----

Carlotta sort of got the shortest end of the stick. While being harassed by a werewolf and a vampire wasn't fun, and neither was being threatened by a schizoid mouse, it certainly wasn't as bad as this.

But of course, Carlotta thought she was in the place ever. She was staring into the faces of a 3-headed dog. A _giant _3-headed dog.

"Fluffeh!" she cried affectionately. The dogs grinned and licked her. "I am so 'appyz to 'ave found youz!" She hugged one of the heads, and then noticed the trapdoor under one foot. "And you gaaahded my boxy! Oh, I love youz doggiez." She pranced to the trapdoor and pulled it open, sliding down to the bottom. The devilsnare instantly recognized it's master, and it didn't try to eat her or smother her or anything.

"Plantiz! Any newz for meh?"

One stalk hissed out that it caught a couple of children and was planning on eating them. Carlotta asked to see them. The stalks brought out a boy with a bunch of freckles and red hair, a girl that resembled a beaver, and a boy with messy black hair and a scar on his forehead that looked like an unfinished question mark or an upside-down seven. She considered the importance of their lives.

"Eh, ze can leeve."

"But maassssssster," the plants hissed, "the red-headed one wants to follow the butterfliiiiiiesssssssss."

Ron magically came to life and began singing his happy song!

"Follow the butterflies, follow the butterflies, wheeeeeeeee! Lalalalalaaaa."

Hermione also came to life. "Ronicus explodeicus."

Ron's head blew up.

The magic overly-violent screen returned.

"Holy frick!" the voice-over said. "This phic is fantastically violent! We're going to let you watch a preview for the movie 'The Mist', because even that is less violent than this!"

Except no one actually watched the preview, because everyone ran away screaming when they heard the title. Except for that one creepy person that loves horror movie previews. They stayed until 'The Mist' ended, so they watched 'I Am Legend' and for old time's sake brought out the previews for 'Grudge' and 'Silence of the Lambs.'

Let's skip over to Meg. Everyone loves Meg.

-----

Except we're not. You see, the authoress feared that she wouldn't find time to write the rest of the chapter, so she's cutting it in half. We'll pick up next time with Meg.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE.


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: I wish I was as funny as Angel of Music Lover. D: Her revised story owns all my parodies put together.

:3

**0o0o0o0o0**

(Uh…this one is like major spoilers. Plus none of you probably know this movie, so yeah.)

Meg, amazingly, was smarter than everyone else. When she had entered her door and ended up in Murder World (which is a lot more fun than Disney World), she sort of just looked around for a second and then went back inside. You see, she had been smart enough to keep her grip on the door handle, and since she did the door couldn't vanish and leave her in the amusement park from hell. So Meg ended up back in the stairwell.

Sadly, even though she was smarter than everyone else, she still wasn't very smart. After escaping from certain place where police cars water-ski, she still went back inside. And this time she was sort of just dropped onto a rooftop. On said rooftop was a masked man (the mask was smiling), a girl with blondish, curly hair (who was practically on the verge of fainting from shock), and a statue that looked oddly similar to the Statue of Liberty, being blow to Rush House-esque smithereens. Meg looked at the male, turned her head sideways, and then she squealed loudly.

"You're V!" she shrieked. Both the dude in the Guy Fawks mask, and the doomed girl turned around. If you could see the dude's face, it was probably confused and furrowed.

"Do I know you?"

"You're a terrorist!" she squealed gleefully. Evey (the blonde near the terrorist)'s eyes doubled in size.

"I knew it! she gasped, looking like she was about to run away. Poor V was torn.

"I'm not a terrorist!" the terrorist defended. "I'm a freedom-fighter!"

Meg pulled out a sheet of paper that clearly stated the reasons why he was a terrorist. It was illustrated with fabulous stick figures.

"Why V is a terrorist," Meggykins began.

"This is V." (There was a stick figure that was smiling. It also had a cape.) "He is a terrorist. He would rape little girls -- mostly this one (the paper shows a picture of a stick-figure version of Evey. The real one turns white and begins to edge away from the male) -- if he could, but he can't. His manhood was burned off." The picture showed a stick figure on fire. It appeared to be in pain.

"Also, he blew up a stature of some old lady in front of a prostitute (prostitute is scratched out, and the phrase 'BCN worker' is scribbled above it)." The caped stick figure was squealing with flamboyant joy, while the female one was wide-eyed and screaming. It looked eerily similar to what was happening now.

"Also, he killed…pretty much everyone." Now there were fabulous doodles of graves. They said 'RIP, killed by V' (no wayz I made a rhymey). Except for one in the corner that said 'Thanks whoever did this'. There was also one behind that one that said 'Hi mom.'

"Therefore, V is a terrorist," Meg brilliantly finished. Evey, who had been writhing in terror for the past few minutes, now let out a scream and fled from the rooftop. V appeared to be upset.

"YOU JERK!!!" he screeched, phailing his arms madly. "YOU MEANIEHEAD!! She was miiine! I was gonna make her eggs and EVERYTHING." He chucks a few things at Meg's head (a dagger, a soda bottle, and Chris Daughtry), and then calms down and glares at her (well you couldn't actually tell because of the mask, but he probably glared). "What's your name?"

"Meg."

"What's your last name?"

"Giry."

"What's your middle name?"

"McLovin."

"Ah. Sounds like a sexy hamburger."

"I know. Thanks for noticing."

The two talked about sexy hamburgers for a while, until V actually noticed that 'Mclovin' had a 'v' in it, so he decided that was close enough and he was going to keep Meg. Or something of the sort.

"Do you like eggs?" the terrorist asked. Meg lowered her eyelids to scowl at him.

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Pretty please?"

"No!"

This could go on a while, so let's go to our next person.

-------

"Staring is very rude, ma'am." The man who just said this clenched his fists a little harder and gave a strained smile to Madame Giry. Madame Giry was currently staring at the man very hard.

"I can't tell your gender," she told him. He looked very shocked.

"That's very rude, ma'am!"

"Take off your shirt," Madame Giry requested. The "male" twitched.

"W-w-w-whaat? Can't you go back to your child? I want to continue the tour of my chocolate factory!"

Mme. Giry scoffed. "My daughter is probably back in the stairwell, the poor dear. She's not the brightest candle on the chandelier." She tapped her temple for emphasis. Willy Wonka, (also known as Johnny Depp) for that was the gender-confused man's name, pointed behind the crazy woman.

"Then who is that?"

Mme. Giry turned around to see a face from her worst nightmare. It was a bright, happy face, and big sparkling ivy eyes. It was…THE AUTHORESS.

DUN DUN DUN.

Rose was wearing an outfit identical to the Madame (scary black dress, hair pulled back in bun), and this looked quite odd on the sparkly child. When the kid noticed that Taller Giry had finally seen her, her smile vanished. MG walked over quickly.

"What are you doing here?!" she hissed angrily.

"I don't know," the child said in a stressed voice that still managed to reflect peace, love, and gap. "After I wrote you going through the door, I appeared here! I've been writing this chapter on the boxes of your priceless Christmastime barbies to keep it going."

Rose pulled the '86 Barbie beneath her scary black cloak, which had chicken-scratch scribbled all over it. It was quite odd to see what was happening being written on a box.

"You're using my collection!? I will kill you child, I swear on it!"

"Uhm, ma'am, are you having troubles with your offspring?" Willy called happily. Madame Giry turned towards Wacky Wonka for a minute to reassure him that everything was fine. She flashed him a Kodak smile before turning back to the writer with pointy little daggers in her eyes.

"Write us out of this. Now," she snarled, her tongue suddenly becoming forked. She hissed again, slowly becoming a serpent. You could tell.

"I caaan't!" the poor kid wailed quietly. "I can't just end your segment that quickly! This might be the last chapter, and I already told people that this wasn't a cameo story so me being in here is hypocritical and I just need a little longeeeerrr."

"Well what do you have planned?" Not-as-short-as-Shorter-Giry growled. Rose consulted her wild train of thoughts.

"Well, I was planning on having you eat some crazy candy fruit that made you homicidal, and then you would call forth all the Oompa Loompas and turn them into seagulls because you are Master of Seagulls and-"

Before the poor little Authoress could finish her odd sentence, Willykins made an odd, strangled noise in the back of his throat. Mme. Giry and Rose (the other parents and children mysteriously vanished) looked over to watch Mr. Wonka finish off that homicidal fruit mentioned earlier. He then magically turned into Sweeny Todd.

"WHAT DID YOU DO!?" Mme. Giry screamed. Rose looked terrified. She searched her cloak frantically.

"I can't find my pencil!"

The unthinkable had happened. The Authoress's magic pencil had a mind of its own. You see, when it was snapped at the end of FQ, Roro had to use a duplicate that she got from that machine in Santa Clause 2. It was beginning to write the story itself, and its first order of business was to kill the girl that kept gnawing on its eraser.

"RUN, TALL, SCARY, SLIGHTLY HUNGOVER WOMAN!" the writer screamed as Sweeny Todd located his barber knife. "RUN OR YOU SHALL BECOME A PIE BY THE HANDS OF BELLATRIX! RUN BEFORE SNAPE BEGINS TO SIIING!"

The two fled in a comical way as Johnny Depp chased them with a barber knife. He began to change personalities, going from Sweeny Todd to Edward Scissorhands to Captain Jack and then he became that dude in that old movie or show where he took care of his fat mother. Mrs. Grapefairy? No idea. But he became that, too.

Who do we have left? Ah yes. Raoul and Howie. Let's go to them.

-----

"Raoul, please stop crying."

"B-b-b-but I wanted to be on to-o-o-p," Raoul sobbed. Howie gave out a tired sigh.

"I wasn't going to let you stay with the cast of America's Next Top Model, Raoul."

Now, consider everything that was said in the last few sentences. What do you think Raoul meant?

Ewww, gross! Get your mind out of the gutter and think about it again. Raoul is a fop. What is ANTM's logo? There we go. Thank you. You can continue reading now.

Poor Howie was having to deal with a sobbing, non-model male who couldn't get over his rejection by the hands of Nigel and Ms. Jay. He thought he had the fierce beauty and fabulous strut that he needed to be the next. Top. Model!

You see, the two of them had gone through their door, and ended up in Modelland. Howie had reacted calmly, because he is around models all the time. Raoul, however, began shrieking happily and was somehow allowed onto the cast. Twiggy, in her old age, had mistaken him for a girl.

Everything had been going smoothly. The girls gave him a large, large berth (except Melrose from Cycle 7. She magically returned and flirted with him. Whore), and Howie became one of the judges. Everything was okay until…

THE PART WHERE THEY GIVE THE GIRLS MAKEOVERS.

Poor Raoul had his makeover done last. They cut his luscious hair really, really short. Then they dyed it pink, because they said it accented his cheeks. Then Mrs. Jay and Nigel realized he was a man, so they sent him home.

Well, Mrs. Jay sent him home because he was a man. Nigel was fine with it, but he thought Raoul looked really, really ugly. So that's why he voted him off.

At this point, a blue door appeared, and Howie used a forklift to drag away a weeping Raoul. (The forklift was used because Howie is just that germaphobic).

So here we are. Howie and Raoul in the stairwell. Fandre at a Maroon 5/Soulja Boy/Justin Timberlake concert. Erik in the Twilight book series. Christine somewhere in pokemon. Carlotta in the Harry Potter world. Meg in the film V for Vendetta. Mme. Giry in the Chocolate Factory.

Howie had somehow figured out he was at the mercy of a hyperactive, attention-deficient child armed with nothing more than an old iPod nano, a cup of yogurt, and a pencil with a halfway chewed-off eraser. We suspect the drink stagehands did something.

The germaphob considered his options. If we waited it out long enough, the child would get impatient and end the story (when he thought about this he hopped up and down, hugging himself in glee). But if he waited too long she could get aggravated and toss him to some lions.

He obviously didn't know the Authoress currently had no say what-so-ever on what was happening, because she was currently trying to avoid turning into a pie and being fed to the people of London.

So in the end he decided to wait a little bit (he burned time by jamming to Ain't No Other Man by Christina Aguilera), and then called upon the spirit of Ashton Kutcher. The spirit of Ashton Kutcher opened the door on the 3rd level.

AND INSIDE THE DOOR WAS THE WORLD OF HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL.

They were dancing with basketballs and singing about taking shots. Suddenly, something that looked very close to Cousin It from the Addams Family (budududum, snapsnap) appeared with a basketball. Troy stepped up.

"What is your name, hairy creature!"

"Og. I'm here to join your squad."

"Do you have what it takes to be part of the eas-west side bulldo-wildcats?" He did the chicken dance. Then they all started doing the chicken dance, with the aid of basketballs. People where in the background doing cheerleading. Sadly, it was members of the basketball team.

"I love you Troy!" the one with the afro said. Except now he was Caucasian.

The gay one that keeps wearing pink hats in the 2nd movie also appeared. He had apparently impregnated Ashley Tisdale.

YAY INSEST.

Gabriella came too. She wasn't wearing any clothes.

They all did the chicken dance with the aid of basketballs.

Troy started speaking again.

"All this brainwashing is making me hungry! I declare that everyone in this opera house shall receive a free meal from Taco Bell! I definitely recommend the Spicy Chicken Taco!"

"VIVA LA TACO BELL!" everyone else screamed. Og found the Chihuahua. They had a wild dance party at Taco Bell. They all got Howie was scarred for life.

The spirit of Ashton Kutcher wept.

All the doors flew open and every single captive came flying out. Everyone turned back to human, and all their wounds and stuff vanished. Fandre was crying. SexyBack had just started. Timbaland was coming!

Mme. Giry was twitching on the floor, and when she got up, everyone stared at her.

"Mama, why are you holding a giant Pottery Barn bag? Did you break something?"

"No stupid," Andre interrupted. "If you break something in Pottery Barn, you have to buy it. Then you have to glue it back together. Then you have to stay in the store forever, even if the thing you glued back together explodes."

The giant Pottery Barn bag began to move.

"AHHHHHHHHH," Carlotta screamed, pulling a giant mallet out of her hair and hitting it against the bag.

The bag also began to scream.

Mme. Giry did nothing to stop the violence.

Eventually, a very beaten Authoress tried to poke her way out of the bag.

"I-" slam "PLEASE-" slam "PAIN-" slam "STOOOOOOOOOP!"

Carlotta hit her one more time for good measure.

The child tumbled out of the bag, somehow still alive with only bruises and an inflated head.

"What was that for!?"

"I thoughtez youz wereze Hinderzzo."

Everyone looked at her.

"Vat? Hinderzeo veedz tu diez."

Someone slapped her with a fish.

Then everyone looked down at the Authoress. She was someone okay now. She was playing with a Wii.

"FLY, BEE MARIO. YOU CAN MAKE IT!!!1!!!"

"You need to leave, child. You lost. We're all free, Howie found a new banker in the four seconds none of us where paying attention, and your evil pencil got its 'hair cut'. The end. Game over."

"No! This story can't end! LostBluePhantom told me not to end the story, pluuuuus I'm such a procrastinator that I'll never start a new story!"

"Not our problem," Erik said. He got whacked with a nunchuck.

"HIT THE GOOMBA, LITTLE WRITER GIRL. USE YOUR LUMA!" Firmin cried, picking up another wiimote and helping Rose play Super Mario Galaxy.

Andre began to get jealous.

"If you want the story ended so badly," Authoress began, swooping her arms as she played the games, "then come up with some great way to end it! Make it go out with a bang!"

The jealous Andre threw dynamite on the Wii.

It, and the authoress, went out with a bang.

Meg curled into a little ball in the corner, because it reminded her of V.

The new banker is Dane Cook.

Carlotta's poodle is still the only one who truly gets a happy ending.

**0o0o0o0o0o**

**A/N:** It's done. D: Sorry guys. I'm not sure if I'll be writing again. I REALLY want to, but I'm not sure if I can think up anything else! Dx. Super and I might continue PoC…but if not, then I love you all.

Don't smother small children!

Much love,

BTR.


End file.
